elkemay

diagnosis: desire for child as a single parent with age factor (42.75) and inadequate data base

~my new diagnosis includes desire~

 

~desire for a child~

 

~so i am investigating my options~

 

~being poked & prodded~

 

~seeing my body in a new light~

 

~the good doctor says i'm starting this process late in the game as i've been "out dilly-dallying in the world"~

 

~& time is relentless~

 

~when it comes to certain things~

 

~but there are tools~

 

~and i am ready~

 

~i am hopeful~

 

~my eyes are open~

 

~my heart is yearning~

 

~to give & receive~

 

~i have stepped over another threshold~

 

~broken through fears~

 

~and am examining the remains~

 

 

~seeing my life through a new lens~

 

~as an abundant & magical life~

 

~as a sacred life~

 

~as a beautiful life~

 

~embracing "my" year~

 

~at the end of the rainbow bridge~

 

~where dreams come true~

 

~if you dare to fly~

 

~and are open to the possibilities~

 

***

 

the pictures above were snapped as i walked through the sf mission district on a warm indian summer friday with a new and beautiful friend who i met at squam~ cheryl.

 

~cheryl & i~

 

i discovered an amazing local artist while exploring the mission:  lela shields.

the lovely miss serendipity was at work.  each of these pieces spoke to me in a deep and relevant way.

 

~pink deer~

by lela shields

raven was my first animal guide ~ who appeared as i was mourning my father's death and deer has always been my totem.

 

~from the void~

by lela shields

 

the relevance of this is glaringly obvious.  but in addition to that~ the first vision i ever had involved seeing myself with a black raven's wing instead of my right arm and a white dove's wing instead of my left arm.

 

 

~poor bird~

by lela shields

 

and here we have rabbit~ who visited me in  in a dream in december.  her message:  scared little rabbit please drop your fright, running doesn't stop the pain, or turn the darkness to light.  she symbolizes sensitivity, creativity, caution, optimism and fertility.

 

after this lovely afternoon i stayed up until 1:30 am working in my quick'n'dirty journal.  the red hooded girl didn't feel right to me because her face wasn't mine, it was some beautiful girl with no ties to me that i found in a magazine.  so i flipped through some pages of encyclopedias from the 40's that i had saved from pa's houseboat before it sank.  i ended up with a reindeer.  after i finished the spread i looked up what reindeer symbolizes.  reindeer is a family oriented totem.  if a reindeer makes its appearance in your life the lesson may very well be that it is time for you to step up and take an active role in caring for the herd. yes, that's my plan! 

 

~diagnosis: desire for a child~

quick'n'dirty journal entry

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~diagnosis: desire for a child~

close up right side

 

~diagnosis: desire for a child~

close up: left side

 

earlier in the evening i had a wonderful talk with the magical maya who shared much love & wisdom as well as a lovely tale~ beyond the rainbow bridge.  The tale is about children who pass from heaven to earth via a rainbow bridge where they meet their parent/parents.  our conversation eneded at 11:11 pm~ a very auspicious time!  After she told me this lovely tale I noticed the photo I had taken earlier that day and used in my journal entry was of me~ under a rainbow.  so you see, i am here, waiting, for my child to join me here on this beautiful earth.

 

~room for two~

 

my bed with my piece 'into the light' from Alena's 'joy of intention' class.

the magic of autumn...

~there's a storm brewing~

 

~and it's powerful~

 

~and sweet as a song~

 

~about a woman~

 

~and a child~

 

~after much reflection~

 

i seem to wake up in the autumn.  i love it.  seasons ending.  phases of life shifting.  big changes.  beautiful changes.  clarity:  in the air and the mind.  i recently realized i do have control over some of my dreams.  and it feels amazing.

 

~autumn: looking inward~

 

~seeing beauty in the changes~

 

~surrounded by family~

 

~and loved ones~

 

~taking time to see all i've accomplished~

 

~and honor all i've been through~

 

~seeking ritual in the smallest of things:  thyme tea~

 

there is something magical about autumn.  my spirit feels stronger.  they say the veil between this world and the spirit world is thinnest at this time of the year.  i find myself craving ritual.  serenity.  ease. 

i've been blessed to have found a sacred space~ SouLodge~ led by a wise, sweet, generous  woman~ Pixie.  it's just what i need right now.  space and time to reflect. tools to guide me.  sacred practices to settle my mind and open my heart...

 

~my table is set for making prayer flags~

 

~the scene~

a sunny sunday in my backyard.  the scent of sage from my yard and lavender from my best friend's yard.  the soft flannel squares from my pa's pajamas.  the earth under my feet.  the warmth of the sun.  my voice speaking my dreams and wishes (for me and my loved ones) and my gratitude. 

 

~she has taught me much and earned her spot at the head of the table~

 

~prayer flags on pa's altar~

 

during the last full moon i thought it would be wonderful to burn my fears in a fire.  but since i have no fireplace, i burned them in a glass jar.  this weekend i was at a garden party with a gigantic fire pit.  i thought about how great it would be to have one in my backyard.  the next morning i noticed my neighbors were having a garage sale.  and for five dollars~ i bought my very own fire pit!!!

 

~the fire corner~

 

~preparing for the first backyard burn~

 

~roaring~

 

join me for the next full moon!  i am ready!

 

 

cougar medicine

~in the comfort of redwoods:  ancient & wise~

 

 

~my path is illuminated~

 

 

~cougar's visit~

quick'n'dirty journal entry

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she is strong, graceful, decisive and powerful. she teaches us to learn about our own power.  a solitary animal.  helps us to balance our mind, body & spirit.  encourages us not to hesitate but to take courage, follow our heart and keep focused.

her favorite pray is deer.  deer embodies gentleness~ a reminder to be gentle with our power.

 

 

~cougar~

quick'n'dirty journal entry:  close up

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~i have waited long enough... i can do this on my own~

 

***

special thanks to those who planted the seeds and those that are helping me to continue to nurture this dream (and myself)~ to bring it into the light....

elizabeth

SAW

maureen

pixie

alena

maya

kimberley

laureina

dallas

and of course my ever present rocks~ my sweet mama, pa's spirit, debba, davie & rena

you are always in my heart...

~always in my heart~

quick'n'dirty journal entry

093011

 

I spent a quiet day on my own yesterday.  Sadie & I went to the cemetery to bring flowers to pa's grave.  Later I worked on a journal page.  After pa died ma & I went to stinson beach and there seemed to always be a lone pelican around.  I would call out, "hello pops!"  This year my mom is out on some islands on the east coast.  She phoned me yesterday to tell me there was a lone pelican with her.  Oh pa, we miss you!

 

This morning I was cleaning up the altar i made for pa in my home.  I took out the journal I kept during the month pa died.  I haven't opened it since I wrote in it.  I sat and read the entries.  Between tears and blowing my nose I'd laugh.  Pa seemed to have maintained his humor til the end.  I'm so thankful that I stayed up into the wee hours documenting the events of each day.  The words are so precious~ even the ones that break me.  I would never have remembered them without this. 

 

~there is plenty of life left in me... why won't they help me?"

visual journal entry

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~caught between your dreams & reality~

visual journal entry

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~this time feels so precious to me~

visual journal entry

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~he has taken another step down, how many more steps are there?~

visual journal entry

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~there are moments of peace & clarity where serenity reigns~

visual journal entry 092709

 

~a visitor~

 

Today I went to the cemetery again, to walk Sadie.  This time we were joined by this lovely one.

 

~the departed~

 

 

~my earth~

 the rest of the afternoon was spent planting greens to eat and flowers.

 

~mint water~