diagnosis: desire for child as a single parent with age factor (42.75) and inadequate data base

~my new diagnosis includes desire~

 

~desire for a child~

 

~so i am investigating my options~

 

~being poked & prodded~

 

~seeing my body in a new light~

 

~the good doctor says i'm starting this process late in the game as i've been "out dilly-dallying in the world"~

 

~& time is relentless~

 

~when it comes to certain things~

 

~but there are tools~

 

~and i am ready~

 

~i am hopeful~

 

~my eyes are open~

 

~my heart is yearning~

 

~to give & receive~

 

~i have stepped over another threshold~

 

~broken through fears~

 

~and am examining the remains~

 

 

~seeing my life through a new lens~

 

~as an abundant & magical life~

 

~as a sacred life~

 

~as a beautiful life~

 

~embracing "my" year~

 

~at the end of the rainbow bridge~

 

~where dreams come true~

 

~if you dare to fly~

 

~and are open to the possibilities~

 

***

 

the pictures above were snapped as i walked through the sf mission district on a warm indian summer friday with a new and beautiful friend who i met at squam~ cheryl.

 

~cheryl & i~

 

i discovered an amazing local artist while exploring the mission:  lela shields.

the lovely miss serendipity was at work.  each of these pieces spoke to me in a deep and relevant way.

 

~pink deer~

by lela shields

raven was my first animal guide ~ who appeared as i was mourning my father's death and deer has always been my totem.

 

~from the void~

by lela shields

 

the relevance of this is glaringly obvious.  but in addition to that~ the first vision i ever had involved seeing myself with a black raven's wing instead of my right arm and a white dove's wing instead of my left arm.

 

 

~poor bird~

by lela shields

 

and here we have rabbit~ who visited me in  in a dream in december.  her message:  scared little rabbit please drop your fright, running doesn't stop the pain, or turn the darkness to light.  she symbolizes sensitivity, creativity, caution, optimism and fertility.

 

after this lovely afternoon i stayed up until 1:30 am working in my quick'n'dirty journal.  the red hooded girl didn't feel right to me because her face wasn't mine, it was some beautiful girl with no ties to me that i found in a magazine.  so i flipped through some pages of encyclopedias from the 40's that i had saved from pa's houseboat before it sank.  i ended up with a reindeer.  after i finished the spread i looked up what reindeer symbolizes.  reindeer is a family oriented totem.  if a reindeer makes its appearance in your life the lesson may very well be that it is time for you to step up and take an active role in caring for the herd. yes, that's my plan! 

 

~diagnosis: desire for a child~

quick'n'dirty journal entry

102111

 

~diagnosis: desire for a child~

close up right side

 

~diagnosis: desire for a child~

close up: left side

 

earlier in the evening i had a wonderful talk with the magical maya who shared much love & wisdom as well as a lovely tale~ beyond the rainbow bridge.  The tale is about children who pass from heaven to earth via a rainbow bridge where they meet their parent/parents.  our conversation eneded at 11:11 pm~ a very auspicious time!  After she told me this lovely tale I noticed the photo I had taken earlier that day and used in my journal entry was of me~ under a rainbow.  so you see, i am here, waiting, for my child to join me here on this beautiful earth.

 

~room for two~

 

my bed with my piece 'into the light' from Alena's 'joy of intention' class.

Comments

[mai]

how on earth do you find & gather all these amazing images to tell your story? i think you must live in some technicolor dreamland i have only seen glimpses of. i almost image your rainbow to be deeply textured, sometimes glimmering light like the lake reflected on our cabin ceilings, & sometimes gesso, or pastels. i thin maybe your little one has been long on it's way to you, but is enjoying the fabric of your rainbow & your ancestors along the way. the reindeer is also a guardian of childhood, my boys often remind me. awesome

[Marta]

My Elke, I love your boldness, your faith in all this goodness in your life, your welcome to anything and everything (and everyone) who belongs in it. I believe completely in your vision for yourself. Blaze on. xoxo

[suzanne]

Elke my love...this is a beautiful and wonder filled path you have chosen...keep going...joy and bountiful love awaits you. A very wise soul will choose you as a mother. I LOVE these photos! You remind me to be present and and aware of my surroundings...so many messages. Miss you love you...

[Melanie]

YOU, my friend, are ready to be a mother. Your heart is open and your mind is at peace with the world and where you are in life at this moment. You are truly happy and hopeful. This is the time. I'm soooo happy for you Elke!

[cheryl smith alvarez]

Elke,

Stunning and poetic post. I feel your pain, I understand your desire and I share your journey ... as a friend to lean on when you need it!

[Allison]

I admire you in so many ways already but am now blown away by your clarity and courage plowing forward. This is major! And how could it not be? There is a spirit out there that has been waiting for your call. Now it's here. I hope you two get to meet soon! I love you!

[jeff sanders]

Elke thank you for allowing me (us) to feel because you feel and you share your feelings hre so beautifully. my heart followed every word and my mind lingered to enter into each image. i feel you. i am glowing with pride and love.

[elkemay]

I want to hug each of you and thank you from the bottom of my very full heart~ such an outpouring of sweetness and support... I am so grateful... Your words have made me smile and cry... I love you all!! I am so lucky! So let's collectively cross our fingers and say some prayers! But this is happening one way or the other! I will have a baby or adopt one.

[Beckey]

The excitement is so great, I can hardly stand it! Your child is waiting for you...and however your new life arrives, YOU are going to be a wonderful mother!

[Alena Hennessy]

love you elke ...

[shelley]

you will make the best mommy! what a lucky little one you will have!
xoxox

[Tina]

Don't listen to the doctor. I was 39 when my son was born. I had him using the known donor program through Sperm Bank of California. If you ever want to discuss it drop me an email. Loved my experience. Love mothering even more.

[pixie]

This is so powerful, Elke. Your little baby is on his or her way to you some way, somehow! I love your visualization process and the hope that pours out of your photo journal and your collages. Holding all kinds of space for your experience as it unfolds, sister.

[vanessa]

great idea. in my experience, cuddling in bed with my little one, or seeing her eyes smile, or even soothing her after a bad tantrum, have elevated my soul to different heights, have erased any solitary or anxious impulses, and have filled me with an understanding of the world that i believe only mothers have. you will experience a happiness that is unspeakable and deep beyond thoughts. i will be delighted to share motherhood with you and usher our pumpkins to experience this wonderful world!!

[stefanie renee]

wow, elke, this is so beautiful and powerful ~ you are making it all happen and I admire your courage and strength. love. xoxo

[Claire]

Elke, Goddess (can I call you that?)
I am stunned by this piece of work.
I am stunned beyond words.
This is a manifesto worthy piece.

[Stephanie]

May you have what your heart desires, Elke. I had my now 15 year old daughter at age 41. A doctor told me because I had been trying for 5 years that my eggs were probably too old. He was wrong. Such beautiful words and images. You are giving birth in so many ways.

[single parenting]

Being a mother makes woman feel complete. Elke you can also fulfill your desire by adopting a child. The pictures you clicked shows your eagerness to become mother, may god fulfills your desire.