elkemay

for my beloved pa~

~pa~

 

It's hard to believe it's been two years since I last saw your face, held your hand, saw the sparkle in your eyes, heard you call my name...  Two years ago in your bedroom we held your hands as you took your last breath.  It seems so far away.  Sometimes I think to myself, "It's been long enough, you can come back now..." 

You were always one of my rocks.  I felt safe knowing you were there.  No matter what.  To help me.  To give me advice.  To make me laugh.  To remind me of the importance of being a kind and honest person.  And to believe in myself.

Your loss will never be replaced.  I've figured that out.  There is a space that you once filled.  It will always remain empty.  I miss you.

 

~no longer of this world~

close up of a quick'n'dirty journal spread

092811

 

During the six monthes it took for your cancer to take you away from us I used elephants to represent you in my art.  Elephants are wise and ancient animals.  They remember their loved ones even after long periods of seperation.  They are noble and strong animals.  Almost humble~ seemingly unaware of their magestic power.  Their eyes are kind and thoughtful.

 

~no longer of this world~

quick'n'dirty journal spread

092811

 

 

During the final weeks of your time here we had some extremely warm days~ it was our Indian summer.  One morning you woke and asked for ice cream.  Why not?  This week it's been in the mid 80's, soft and warm~ but fall is around the corner.  Just as it was when you passed.

 

~summer turns to fall~

 

***

Last night I dreamed that you wanted to swim.  There was an area that was partially roped off~ but beyond that there was a swift current.  I didn't want you to go into the water.  I turned for a moment and you had gone into the water.  You always were stubborn and fearless.  I dove in after you.  The water was ice cold.  I swam to you, knowing full well that we might not make it out of these waters.  I reached you and struggled to pull you to shore~ it was hard to keep your head above water, you were so weak.  A short time later I realized you had gone into the water again~ this time you had been swept out into the current outside of the roped off area.  I couldn't see you.  I ran to the docks and shouted for help.  I knew I couldn't swim out to where you must be.  But surely someone had a boat and could take me to you....

***

 

***

~On the Death of a Beloved~

by John O'Donohue

Though we need to weep your loss,
You dwell in that safe place in our hearts,
Where no storm or might or pain can reach you.

Your love was like the dawn
Brightening over our lives
Awakening beneath the dark
A further adventure of colour.

The sound of your voice
Found for us
A new music
That brightened everything.

Whatever you enfolded in your gaze
Quickened in the joy of its being;
You placed smiles like flowers
On the altar of the heart.
Your mind always sparkled
With wonder at things.

Though your days here were brief,
Your spirit was live, awake, complete.

We look towards each other no longer
From the old distance of our names;
Now you dwell inside the rhythm of breath,
As close to us as we are to ourselves.

Though we cannot see you with outward eyes,
We know our soul's gaze is upon your face,
Smiling back at us from within everything
To which we bring our best refinement.

Let us not look for you only in memory,
Where we would grow lonely without you.
You would want us to find you in presence,
Beside us when beauty brightens,
When kindness glows
And music echoes eternal tones.

When orchids brighten the earth,
Darkest winter has turned to spring;
May this dark grief flower with hope
In every heart that loves you.

May you continue to inspire us:

To enter each day with a generous heart.
To serve the call of courage and love
Until we see your beautiful face again
In that land where there is no more separation,
Where all tears will be wiped from our mind,
And where we will never lose you again.

 

post squam bliss....

The bliss continues far, far, away from the magical squam lake of new hampshire... near the san francisco bay in sunny mild california...

Though I had an eventful weekend~ my fridge died, there was an ant invasion and then a dish-washing accident.  The latter required an ER visit for stitches.  But still my spirit is soaring. 

~ouch~

 

~OT's order:  go home and elevate your foot Elke~

 

~a perfect summer afternoon~

 

 
~the call of the elk~

quick'n'dirty visual journal entry

092711

 

 

  The last entry in my visual journal was 040311. And it looked like this:

~the up & the down is getting to me... what's next?~

quick'n'dirty journal 040311

 

Well, what came next was a really dark place with no light and certainly no art!  Nearly 6 months dormant.  Asleep. 

 

Thank you Squam for inspiring me again. It felt so good to be in my art shack on a warm afternoon cutting, pasting and telling my story...

***

 

squam....squamagic....squamalicious!

~sunrise over squam lake fall 2011~

 

I signed up for squam, a 4 day art retreat, early in january while I was inspired and in a bright patch.  Shortly thereafter I began slipping back into a dark place where life almost ceases to exist.  The loss of my father, being single, realizing I might not have children~ I was mourning all of these things.  As the deadline for submitting the balance of my tuition arrived~ I thought I should back out.  I hadn't felt creative in months~ no art work done, not even a photo taken.  I was hermitting and the idea of having to interact with strangers was more than I could bear.  Not to mention flying across the country in this mental state. 

~I was~

 

But I went.  I boarded that plane.  And little did I know what kind of magic and healing I would find.

~squam bound~

 

~sweet welcome by the beautiful & generous elizabeth~

 

~first glimpse of the lake in the am~

 

~feeling a little lonely & unsure~

 

~the pine-needle carpeted path beckoned~

 

~the lake welcomed me~

 

 

~with her stillness~

 

~our cabin, summit, from our dock~

 

~my first class, INTO THE WILD, with the mystical, grounded, wise and oh so talented pixie campbell~

Pixie was a fantastic teacher.  She knew when to push, when to hold us and when to step back and let it happen.  She was inspiring, humble, focused and silly.  Perfect!

 

~the white stag: my piece in progress~

 

~the white stag emerging from the forest~

 

~with pixie~

 

~squamess~

 

~sunset kisses on the lake~

 

~busted:  profiterole~

 

~building my first fire after having watched PA my whole life~

 

~brrrrrrr~

we bundled up in everything we could to brave the 38 degrees in an uninsulated, unheated cabin and went to bed.

 

~my cozy closet of a room~

 

 

~spotted:  mushrooms cuddling~

 

~second day of classes:  misty mawn & the iconic portrait~

 

~misty's demo painting~

The gentle, sweet and amazingly talented misty demonstrated how to paint a portrait upside down, while holding the canvas in under 5 minutes.

 

~with misty~

 

~busted:  hot chocolate with whipped cream and a fudgsicle~

 

 

~mary & marta~

These two sweet ladies were my shuttle mates and neighbors. They were celebrating 20 years of friendship.  Their laughter, sweetness and unabashed honesty was so refreshing.

 

~third day of classes:  alena & THE JOY OF INTENTION~

This sweet, supportive, sparkling, nurturing goddess of a woman created a safe place for us to break-down, break-through and create!  We shared hopes, fears, tears and laughter.  She will be teaching at the teahouse studio in berkeley in october, come join us!!

 

~into the light:  my mixed media piece from alena's class~

 

~cheryl:  we met in alena's class.  i adore her~

 

~germania & italiana:  me and my new friend jennifer~

 

~mary & marta on the docks~

 

~italiana:  sassing up the sunny dock~

 

~the summit ladies:  a new family~

 

~my new motto:  live free or die~

 

~about to go our seperate ways~

 

~my new mantra: let your light shine~

I chose this card in Pixie's class on the first day~ "let your light shine".  I didn't feel very bright, nor competent of shining any light.  But the magic of those trees, the stillness of the lake, the smiles and hugs of near-strangers, the classes that pushed & craddled us,  the instructors who accompanied us on this journey, and the open hearts of every being I encountered~ all these magical things collided and I did it.  I let my light shine.  And it amazed me.  I laughed, I shared, I cried and I listened.  It is amazing how fast and how deep you can go when you trust and believe that you will be seen & welcomed for who you are. 

special thanks...

thank you Elizabeth for creating such a magical place

thank you Pixie for your hugs, guidance and wisdom

thank you Misty for inspiring me, your blog is the reason I came to this place

thank you Alena for your generosity, support and sweet sincerity

thank you Jen Gray for welcoming me and being a love bunny

thank you Jonatha Brooke for singing your heart and soul out for us

thank you fire tenders and meal makers and shuttle drivers

thank you summit ladies who laughed, drank and shared of themselves into the wee hours by the fire every night

thank you cheryl for allowing us all to be vulnerable and true

thank you squam lake for your beauty, stillness and reflection

thank you italiana for being a new and true friend

thank you me, for showing up, waking up, opening up and allowing your light to shine again

 

~falling in love with the magic of squam~

 

~onward~

 

As I was waiting for my flight home I overheard a young boy say,

"Dad?  What is the point of life?"

Without missing a beat, the father said,

"To experience"

 

~homeward bound:  flying high~

 

~ready to take on the world~

 

~Pixie's Stag~

In her words:

Stag wears the antlers that connect him to Spirit and offer the gift of enhanced perceptions, tuning into the old teachings like marvelous antennae. He is able to detect the most subtle shifts in energy and this provides him with the intuitive guidance he needs to navigate the enchanted forests of life. Gently, softly and sometimes even quietly, Stag communes with the earth and the sky. This is a reminder to take excellent care of oneself, to gently love ourselves and those around us, and to honor the deep connections that welcome us home from our adventures in the wild.

 

returning to me

I am back.  In the Spring I chose to leave this blog and start another~ a simpler, freer one.  I have decided to just live here, in this one place again.  Here are some glimpses back to the last bright phase of my life before I descended back into the dark place where depression reigns and lends me mute and hollow.

new moon magic

the last love story

I am back.  Renewed.  Replenished.  Full.  Inspired.  Alive.  Awake.  Strong. Grounded.  Me.

 
~on the dock~

Thanks to some hard work on my part, a lot of support from my friends and family; tender care from my massage, animal medicine healer Lauraina; some good old western medicine and Squamagic.  Coming soon.....A journey to the magic land of Squam.

~twinkle toes~