of doves and ravens~ serenity and magic.

~chai after pilates~

 

~veggie mo-mo's~

 

~solano board walk~

 

It started peacefully enough... A cup of tea at home and a brief shopping spree at papaya including beautiful journals and sketch books at 1/2 off!  Then I hurried off to pilates for a wonderful, grounding session.  We worked on increasing my thoracic spine mobility and rib expansion through breathing and various exercises.  Realizing my blood sugar was dropping I asked my teacher where I should go for a quick, healthy snack.  Just down the stairs was her recommendation, the Everest Cafe.  Warm, sweet and richly spiced Chai.  Steamed dumplings filled with minced veggies.  Delicious.  Across the street, the Solano Board Walk beckoned.  But I settled for a photo of their fabulous sign.

I then realized I didn't have much time to shop before my massage.  I hurried to do the errands.  Somehow buying way more than I had intended.  Feeling slightly anxious, with tension present in my jaw and pressure in my chest. I attempted to breath through it.  I was unsuccessful.

~a present for a healer~

 

~trying to find my way to a grounded place in the midst of a spin out~

 

I arrived for my massage and told my wonderful healer Lauraina that I was a bit revved up and not grounded. 

She starts working on my neck and head, very gently.

"I'm noticing that your head wants to pull to the left," she says.  I had noticed this sensation as well.  It felt good to go to the left.  Easy.  Effortless.  The window was on my left.  There was more light there.  Though usually during massages I like it to be dark.

She gently cradled my head. My head slowly began moving, like on a Ouija board. I couldn't feel her influencing the movement, nor could I feel the movement originate from my muscles. Though the movement was slight, I felt almost dizzy, like the room was spinning slowly, as if my head a globe. My head went to the right-- my neck flexed and sidebent and rotated. It was not an end-range position, so it didn't feel like a stretch. Yet I was aware of tension on the right side of my neck. I tried to relax and breath, but it intensified. My chest began tightening. Should I say something? Was this not a good position? She moved me out of it and to the left before I said anything.

"I like it on the left better,"I said.

"Yes, I noticed that."

"It feels safer over here. It wasn't good over there." I attempted to explain the sensation, "It was like I was being pushed into a place, a box, confined, and held there against my will."

"Do you want to explore it some, or move away?" she asked, "or let your body decide?" We let my body decide. "We'll do some unwinding, see where you go." She cradled my head again. It moved back to the unsafe place on the right. It stayed there. I listened. I didn't fight, though I wanted to move away from it. It was a panic filled place. It was dark. I tried to not focus my breathing on the tense place as I had been doing, but rather imagined rooting my body into the table. I could feel roots extending from me- my fingers, legs, back-- into the table and my head was an old black gnarled tree without leaves. After awhile my head moved to a more neutral place, I saw myself floating on the water, from underneath my body. I felt ripples of relief and relaxation through my body. Then I became aware of my head making tiny circles, as if struggling gently to find direction, I felt her help guide my head to the left . And slowly I realized what was going on... I fear being back in that dark scary depression of a cave on the right. The last time I was there I tried to get away, but I needed help-- and she helped me, as others have helped
me, as meds have helped me... We all need help sometimes... And that's ok I told myself.

Then back to the left side, to the light, to the peace, the joy and happiness, the Sun. Realizing it's healthiest in the middle of the two extremes.  It's about finding balance.

We moved on. I was still on my back. She was working on my left arm.
"Your arm really wants to be open and out to the side," she said. I had felt this myself.

"Yes, it does, but it's not my arm, it's my wing." I said. I could see it, a white wing. The feathers beautiful and snowy white. She continued to work on my wing. Helping it expand, elongate, and smooth out the feathers.

"What kind of a wing? A bird's?" She asked.

I paused, I looked in my mind, and answered, "Well it started out as an angel's, but then became a white dove's. Though I don't see the dove's head." 

Then she prepared to move to my right arm.

"I wonder what this side will be." I said, already knowing.

"Is it different?" she asked.

"Yes." I answered.

"Is it dark?"

"Yes, it's a raven. The feathers are black, but shimmering iridescent, and beautiful, not scary. I see the raven's head too. It's a noble head. It's my head. It's the light and the dark within me."

"Interesting," she said, "I've been taking a shamanic journey class."

"Yes, well, clearly I'm very open right now, and I've decided to take a little journey myself." I answered, chuckling.

"And in my own massage studio, I ask clients to pick a medicine card-- of a totem animal-- and I work with that in their sessions, but you seem to have gotten your own totem animals without prompting." She added.

So the massage continued. At one point I see her, standing in the snow, with a wolf's fur around her, a wolf's head behind her head, her eyes closed, white owl's wings envelope her, her hands clasped in a prayer pose, or namaste, in front of her body. White mountains surround her. When she works on my abdomen, her hands moving in circling motions with hot stones, I see the full white moon.  The wolves behind her howl.  It is twilight.

~unlocking the doors to those places~

 

When the massage is over I know I need to get a book on totem animals, to read about the white dove and the black raven. I remember a Native American store up on Solano called Gathering Tribes. I ask about animal totem books. The woman there pulls out three. I flip thru the first, it is nice and looks interesting. The next one I pick up just opens to a picture of the white dove. "Well, this is the one," I think to myself. She suggests I get the animal medicine cards as well, which I do.

~the raven~

 

As I am driving home I remember an image I found 3 weeks back. A woman with wings and a bird's head. When I get home I find it. My mouth drops, and I gasp. How can this be possible?

A woman's body. Her left arm a white wing. Her right arm a black wing. Her head a raven's.  It is me.

~by jason shawn alexander~

 

Per Celia M. Gunn's Simply Totem Animals:

***

Dove:  Serenity

keywords:  spirit, peace, love

Represents the purest and most powerful force a person can experience, which is love.  Love transcends the physical realm, raises the spirit, and develops the soul.  Many challenges are part of having the Dove as your totem.  You may become a healer, as you have been deeply wounded at some point.

When Dove shows up in your life, you may be feeling upset about the path in your life, as though you've lost your way.  This "dark night of the soul" is a challenge for you to seek meaning.  Examine the purity of your motivation.  Suspend judgement and consider other's perspectives.  Dove has appeared to help bring peace and balance to your life.

***

Raven:  Magic

keywords:  intellegence, creativity, manifestation

Widely respected because of it's intelligence and considered a good omen in many cultures.  The raven is connected to the sun.  Ancient Roman's believed that the call of the Raven "cras" which means "tomorrow" in Latin, represented hope.  A symbol of clearsightedness.

One of the most powerful totems, Raven guides the development of consciousness.  If Raven is your totem, you already are on a long spiritual path.  If Raven has called you, then pay attention, because a very powerful time is just ahead.  You have been learning a great deal.  If fear holds you back, Raven will be your guide into your shadow side, to face it so it can be transmuted.  Raven will help you understand how to use your considerable creative energy in a positive way.  Acknowledge the wonder and magic of life with love and humility.

The blue black of Raven contains an iridescence that speaks of magic of darkness, and a changeability of form and shape that brings an awakening in the process.  If you have chosen Raven, magic is in the air.  Don't try to figure it out.  You can't.  It is the power of the unknown at work, and something special is about to happen.  The deeper mystery is how you will respond to the sparkling synchronicity of this alchemical moment.  Will you recognize it and use it to further enhance your growth?  Can you accept it as a gift from the Great Spirit?  Or will you limit the power of the Great Mystery by explaining it away.

Remember, this magic moment came from the void of the darkness, and the challenge is to bring it to light.  In doing so, you have honored the magician within.

***

 

~the undercurrent of presence.  the silent field underneath the words~

Eckhart Tolle

quick n dirty journal spread using images from Papaya

Comments

[chel]

This is *so* amazing, thank you for sharing. I'm just starting to explore different ideas about totem animals (apparently mine are a sea turtle and a giraffe) and for some reason it never occurred to me to do some art about them.... thank you so much for the inspiration.

[Kara]

Thanks for sharing your experiences with the Raven guiding you to discover him as your totem. I hope you enjoy your journey with him as you, and you as him!

The Raven is my totem as well, so I found the joy of self-recognition in your post as well.
I loved the images you shared of Raven. Thanks.

[Alpine_Gypsy]

Hi Elke,

What a powerful experience! Thank you so much for letting me read about it and for choosing from me amongst a sea of artists. I really enjoyed your writing.

Heidi

[Becky]

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