elkemay

a journal on loss

~the journal~

 

~every girl's dream~

 

~a family:  & it's my turn now~

 

~the brutal manipulation of my body~

 

~yielded five embryos~

 

~feeling lost & alone, panic sets in~

 

~and then the loss hit like a brutal storm~

 

~the cold remains~

 

~and me~

restoring balance...

it's been a challenging month~ and in it's wake i've been tumbled around and left rather out of sorts.  at the tail-end of it i was lucky enough to spend a day in the company of some loving, inspiring and wise women during a live SouLodge with the amazing Pixie Campbell at Teahouse Studio.  Medicine for the soul indeed.

~with sacred tools~

 

~we circled up~

 

~and our journeys began~

 

~visited by otter:  woman medicine~

a gentle reminder to welcome play & stop worrying

 

~surrounded by love:  Roslyn & Maya~

 

the next day i had offered to take sweet Ma in search of some Elk Medicine.  Maya has been so generous, supportive and inspiring since I met her in the woods of New Hampshire at Squam~ I wanted to give her back some magic.  In true generous Maya style she turned it into an early birthday celebration for me and invited a bunch of other lovely beings to share the magic with.  I love that about her.  we spent a magical day out at pt reyes national seashore.

 

~zipping past fields of magical hues~

 

~we arrived at the trail~

 

~hardcore hiking ensued:  barefoot~

 

~connecting with kindred spirits: Stacy~

~laying the foundation for a sweet community of sisters~

 

~a community where we support one another~

 

~where our strength lies as much in our similarities~

 

~as it does in our uniqueness~

 

~we allow ourselves to play & laugh~

 

~and help one another see there is always a way out~

 

 

~we celebrated~

Pixie Campbell & Anna Stid

~surrounded by Elk Medicine~

 

~and welcomed a heavenly show~

 

a truly blissful weekend that reminded me of the healing powers of nature, friends and ritual.

 

and through the lens of sweet Alara Castell:

 

 

***

A special thanks to the Teahouse Ladies:  Mati, Stef, and Tiff for hosting SouLodge!

 

 

 

 

 

i choose....

~love or fear~

visual journal entry

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***

love or fear

it's your choice

but love is the strongest engine of survival...

***

 

i stumbled across this quote recently and it literally sent me flying to my journal to work out with bits of paper, glue, and pastels~ my version of reflection.

 

~it's your choice~

 

~love or fear~

 

this year has been huge for me in terms of battling some big fears and learning to trust.  i know that my brain chemistry~ for whatever reason~ can lead me to a dark and scary place.  however, i am learning to trust that the light always returns.  my biggest fear~ that i will not have a family of my own~ has haunted me for many years now.  this year, i looked deep into that fear and surrendered myself to a new version of family.  one without a partner.  setting aside the fear of not being strong enough, smart enough, capable enough or financially secure enough to be a single mother.  trusting in myself and my circle to be enough.

 

~i choose~

quick'n'dirty journal entry

122511

 

~i choose~

 

rituals can be simple yet profound way to focus on dreams & usher change into our lives. i often mourned the lack of ritual in this culture.  i didn't grow up with a religion~ and that seems to be where most rituals reside.  so i gradually started creating my own rituals.  For full moons.  For break-ups.  And then the lovely pixie campbell arrived on the scene to introduce me to a some beautiful native american rituals.

last night i went to an open house for my beloved massage therapist/healer.  she had created a wonderul ritual of letting go and receiving for the new year. here is my spin on it...

sit still and quiet for a few moments or more and reflect on the past year.  is there a fear that has kept you from reaching for the stars where your dreams reside? Or a belief or mindset that has held you back?  name it.  then write it down on a small slip of paper.

think about the coming year.  what is it you would like to invite into your life with open arms?  which dream is ready to be birthed?  what does your heart yearn for?  name it.  light a match as you hold this thought~ watch the flame errupt from a spark.  now light a candle with this match to shine light upon your desire.

finally, take the slip of paper and hold it to the flame.  let the flame ignite it and let it go.  let it go...

 
~i choose~

quick'n'dirty journal entry

left side

so as 2011 draws to an end~ i choose to let go of urgency.  to trust, that i will create my dream~ a family. 

~my future~

quick'n'dirty journal entry

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~me~

 

trust...

~trust:  a word i am learning to embrace~

 

~trusting that the darkness too has lessons for me~

 

~trusting that the light always returns~

 

~trusting my instincts to forge ahead and take on the odds that seem stacked against me~

elk journey

mixed media collage on found book cover 120311

 

~trusting that my journey will lead me to my dream even if it seems i stray from the path i think i should be on~

quick'n'dirty journal entry

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~trusting my need to slow down and retreat from the world in order to feed my body, mind and soul~

elk medicine

mixed media collage on found book cover 121111

 

~trusting my struggle~

 mixed media shadow box 2009

 

~trusting myself~

 

  

~trusting in the power, magic & beauty of sisterhood~

thank you Pixie Campbell for your vision, your lessons & your support.

thank you Maya Corrine for your sweetness, generosity, wise guidance & support.

thank you Stacy de la Rosa for my precious *trust* pendant.

in preparation for winter...

~on my journey~

 

~i arrive in the north~

 

~my arms are open~

 

~as hawk flies overhead~

 

~and a dose of divine intervention is welcomed~

 

~i settle into the cozy, slow-paced sweetness that is winter~

 

~recording~

 

~magical forest finds~

 

~and nature's gifts~

 

~during gentle walks~

 

~amid miniture jewels~

 

~i pause to collect gems~

 

 

~and watch the heavens burn~

 

~a time of discovering sacred pratices~

 

~making offerings~

with love, tears & memories

part of the oakland museum's annual Dias de los Muertos exhibit

my altar for Pa is on display there

 

~returning to the magic of my childhood~

 

~finding comfort in new rituals~

 

~preparing the ingredients: sage, lavender, rosemary, marygolds & prayers~

 

~for making prayer ties with my family before our Thanksgiving meal~

 

~at home my altar is aglow~

 

~crow's embrace~

mixed media piece

 

~my black ink squid protector~

 crafted in SouLodge

 

~wish you may~

visual journal entry

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~setting my sights~

visual journal entry

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 for those of you interested in learning about prayer ties~ meet pixie campbell

 

 

 

 

 

autumn: where nature & spirit swirl together...

~under the full snow moon~

 

~i name my fears & burn them~

 

~with crow over my shoulder~

 

~i smudge~

 

~my first medicine wheel on 11.11.11~

 

~going deep within~

 

~it's sometimes hard to see the path ahead~

 

~it had been overgrown with so much fear & doubt~

 

~but now i realize that my skin is my own to shed~

 

~and so it begins~

 

~a new way of seeing where things are not limited to black & white~

 

~where beauty is mine to name~

 

~and my dream is protected~

 

~where animals guide me~

 

~and community is what i choose to make it~

 

 

~where life is abundant~

 

~and a new journey begins~

 

***

 

 

 

~reindeer~

 

reindeer is about movement and finding your inner peace and your place as you walk through life. 

if a reindeer makes its appearance in your life the lesson may very well be that it is time for you to step up and take an active role in caring for the herd.

 

***

 

thank you to a sweet, wise, & generous sister~ pixie who i met at squam and whose souLodge i have been welcomed into.  it has been such a blessing at this precious time in my life when i need all the courage, wisdom & community i can get. 

 

~with pixie @ squam fall 2011~

 

~coyote~

mixed media collage

10.2011

i made this for her as coyote is her spirit guide...  it shows her stepping out of the realm of the spirits & onto the earth to teach us of our own potential under the light of the full moon.

 

 

 

two days of joy, intention, art making, tea sipping, stretching, sharing and growing...

 

~the door is open~

 

~at the teahouse art studio~

 

~for two days with the amazing alena hennessy~

 

~fall flowers from my garden~

 

~dreamy teahouse couch~

with one of mati's magical elephant paintings~

 

~the walls are decked out~

 

~there is eye candy everywhere~

photo by stefanie renee

 

~with awesome reminders~

mati's space

 

~sparkly lights~

 

~lots of paint~

 

~and lanterns~

 

~a dreamy still life by mati~

 

~part two~

 

~i have fallen in love with this place~

 

~the workshop began out on the lawn on a sunny fall day~

 

~filled with wonder~

 

~we set our intentions~

 

~added flower essences to our bodies~

 

~went out on our own~

 

~to be still~

 

~and then we began~

 

~beauties unfolding across the table from me~

 

~my materials~

 

~a sketch~

 

~adding india ink (magic!!!) & paint to wood~

 

~heart light~

mixed media peace

 

~kitchen break~

 

~teahouse in action~

 

~the girls are gettin giddy~

 

~the colors are popping~

 

***

day two

***

 

 

~beginning of the moutain lion piece~

 

~tea break~

 

yes!  there is tea to be had at the teahouse studio!!

and a sweet present from mati to add to my baby altar!

thank you so so much!

 

 

~brainstorming....starstorming...~

 

~galaxy storming~

 

~dark night~

mixed media piece

 

come, let's go snow-viewing

till we're buried

~basho~

 

a magical poem found by alena, and now as i'm putting this post together i realize my piece depicts a mountain covered in snow...

 

 

~sweet soul sister val~

 

~my dear squam friend cheryl~

 

~the gloriously joyous intention-filled girls~

 

~take two:  add sass~

 

 

 

~quick'n'dirty journal entry~

made of a poem i randomly turned to:

 

watch birth and death.

the lotus has already

opened its flower

~soseki~

 

and a sweet message from the universe provided by alena and gifted by cheryl:

 

you give so much love

give that to yourself unconditionally today

know how wonderful you are!

 

~thank you lovely alena~

 

alena is a rare bird... she creates an environment where you feel safe to share your hopes, dreams, fears and demons... she guides you into your heart where your dreams live and helps you access them & and then she gently leads you on a journey~ where you are free to play and explore.  and at the end~ there is beauty, friendship, inspiration, understanding and hope. she is a magical, wise, humble, & grounded sweet woman.  thank you miss alena!

 

and then there are the teahouse ladies!!!  pardon me while i gush a bit more!  they are three beautiful, genuine, warm, sparkly, down to earth, uber-talented, generous and inspiring women!  i was floored by what they have created.  it is positively dreamy!  Thank you Tiffany, Mati and Stef!  you ladies ROCK!!!

 

a new altar...for hope...for dreams coming true...for inspiring the gentle, grounded path i need to cultivate to support the next leg of my journey...

 

Sometimes you hear a voice through the door calling you...This turning toward what you deeply love saves you.

~Rumi~

~my dream. it is near.  i am ready. to make it a reality.~

mixed media piece

 

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~my dream is near i am ready to make it a reality~

quick'n'dirty entry

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~cultivate this very path of peace~

quick'n'dirty journal entry

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~medicine for the soul~

 

~soaking it in~

 

~may my next planting be as fruitful~

 

***

The Deer's Cry

(one of the oldest Celtic prayers)

 

I arise today

through the strength of heaven, light of sun,

Radiance of moon,

Splendor of fire,

Speed of lightnig,

Swiftness of wind,

Depth of sea,

Stability of earth,

Firmness of rock.

 

***

 

the beautiful, serene print pictured above of a mama and her babe was done by the amazing mati rose who i had the pleasure of meeting and working beside at a magical workshop with alena hennessy hosted by the teahouse studio in berkeley... more on that in the next post!!

 

 

diagnosis: desire for child as a single parent with age factor (42.75) and inadequate data base

~my new diagnosis includes desire~

 

~desire for a child~

 

~so i am investigating my options~

 

~being poked & prodded~

 

~seeing my body in a new light~

 

~the good doctor says i'm starting this process late in the game as i've been "out dilly-dallying in the world"~

 

~& time is relentless~

 

~when it comes to certain things~

 

~but there are tools~

 

~and i am ready~

 

~i am hopeful~

 

~my eyes are open~

 

~my heart is yearning~

 

~to give & receive~

 

~i have stepped over another threshold~

 

~broken through fears~

 

~and am examining the remains~

 

 

~seeing my life through a new lens~

 

~as an abundant & magical life~

 

~as a sacred life~

 

~as a beautiful life~

 

~embracing "my" year~

 

~at the end of the rainbow bridge~

 

~where dreams come true~

 

~if you dare to fly~

 

~and are open to the possibilities~

 

***

 

the pictures above were snapped as i walked through the sf mission district on a warm indian summer friday with a new and beautiful friend who i met at squam~ cheryl.

 

~cheryl & i~

 

i discovered an amazing local artist while exploring the mission:  lela shields.

the lovely miss serendipity was at work.  each of these pieces spoke to me in a deep and relevant way.

 

~pink deer~

by lela shields

raven was my first animal guide ~ who appeared as i was mourning my father's death and deer has always been my totem.

 

~from the void~

by lela shields

 

the relevance of this is glaringly obvious.  but in addition to that~ the first vision i ever had involved seeing myself with a black raven's wing instead of my right arm and a white dove's wing instead of my left arm.

 

 

~poor bird~

by lela shields

 

and here we have rabbit~ who visited me in  in a dream in december.  her message:  scared little rabbit please drop your fright, running doesn't stop the pain, or turn the darkness to light.  she symbolizes sensitivity, creativity, caution, optimism and fertility.

 

after this lovely afternoon i stayed up until 1:30 am working in my quick'n'dirty journal.  the red hooded girl didn't feel right to me because her face wasn't mine, it was some beautiful girl with no ties to me that i found in a magazine.  so i flipped through some pages of encyclopedias from the 40's that i had saved from pa's houseboat before it sank.  i ended up with a reindeer.  after i finished the spread i looked up what reindeer symbolizes.  reindeer is a family oriented totem.  if a reindeer makes its appearance in your life the lesson may very well be that it is time for you to step up and take an active role in caring for the herd. yes, that's my plan! 

 

~diagnosis: desire for a child~

quick'n'dirty journal entry

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~diagnosis: desire for a child~

close up right side

 

~diagnosis: desire for a child~

close up: left side

 

earlier in the evening i had a wonderful talk with the magical maya who shared much love & wisdom as well as a lovely tale~ beyond the rainbow bridge.  The tale is about children who pass from heaven to earth via a rainbow bridge where they meet their parent/parents.  our conversation eneded at 11:11 pm~ a very auspicious time!  After she told me this lovely tale I noticed the photo I had taken earlier that day and used in my journal entry was of me~ under a rainbow.  so you see, i am here, waiting, for my child to join me here on this beautiful earth.

 

~room for two~

 

my bed with my piece 'into the light' from Alena's 'joy of intention' class.

the magic of autumn...

~there's a storm brewing~

 

~and it's powerful~

 

~and sweet as a song~

 

~about a woman~

 

~and a child~

 

~after much reflection~

 

i seem to wake up in the autumn.  i love it.  seasons ending.  phases of life shifting.  big changes.  beautiful changes.  clarity:  in the air and the mind.  i recently realized i do have control over some of my dreams.  and it feels amazing.

 

~autumn: looking inward~

 

~seeing beauty in the changes~

 

~surrounded by family~

 

~and loved ones~

 

~taking time to see all i've accomplished~

 

~and honor all i've been through~

 

~seeking ritual in the smallest of things:  thyme tea~

 

there is something magical about autumn.  my spirit feels stronger.  they say the veil between this world and the spirit world is thinnest at this time of the year.  i find myself craving ritual.  serenity.  ease. 

i've been blessed to have found a sacred space~ SouLodge~ led by a wise, sweet, generous  woman~ Pixie.  it's just what i need right now.  space and time to reflect. tools to guide me.  sacred practices to settle my mind and open my heart...

 

~my table is set for making prayer flags~

 

~the scene~

a sunny sunday in my backyard.  the scent of sage from my yard and lavender from my best friend's yard.  the soft flannel squares from my pa's pajamas.  the earth under my feet.  the warmth of the sun.  my voice speaking my dreams and wishes (for me and my loved ones) and my gratitude. 

 

~she has taught me much and earned her spot at the head of the table~

 

~prayer flags on pa's altar~

 

during the last full moon i thought it would be wonderful to burn my fears in a fire.  but since i have no fireplace, i burned them in a glass jar.  this weekend i was at a garden party with a gigantic fire pit.  i thought about how great it would be to have one in my backyard.  the next morning i noticed my neighbors were having a garage sale.  and for five dollars~ i bought my very own fire pit!!!

 

~the fire corner~

 

~preparing for the first backyard burn~

 

~roaring~

 

join me for the next full moon!  i am ready!